We all have different journies in life. Some of us find it easy to be vulnerable and share; I am not one of those people. It is painfully uncomfortable for me to share. It is also time for me to challenge that fear.
Reflecting back on the day I decided to create inclusive t-shirts, I am reminded of the journey I have been on the past few years. It started with the desire to be able to buy a well-fitted t-shirt as a fat babe. This became my passion to create an inclusive line. I know what it feels like to be excluded. I don't want anyone, no matter the size, to feel that way. While exploring and growing my passions in life, I am understanding the importance of knowing my value—and that no one decides my worth but me. The journey I've been on has shown me why I no longer want to be a destinationist.
As a fat babe for most of my life, finding a well- fitted t-shirt was almost impossible. Finding one that fit both my smaller friends and myself was impossible. This separation is deeper than clothing. It was a pivotal point, at a young age, where I felt I didn't have value because I wasn't included. In order for me to “belong,” I had to be something different.
I want to create a t-shirt that is comfy and structured, not sloppy—and for more sizes. Every-time I expressed what was and wasn't working, I was met with resistance from this industry. I second guessed myself and my desire to continue. I was being told what matters and what doesn’t for the t-shirt I want to create. Every time someone would dismiss me or my thoughts, I would retreat. I would go down the road of "I am stupid" I can't do this. How ridiculous of me to even think I could do this." I stopped for months at a time, more than a few times. I was experiencing not being seen and heard while I was sharing everything I felt so passionate about with others. (This was a vulnerable spot for me. Anxiety? Check!)
I had to keep on speaking up for myself. I had to challenge others when they dismissed me again and again. When I reflect back on that journey, I smile. I now know I am not stupid. I have taken the word ridiculous out of my vocabulary. I can and I am doing this! While being seen and heard is still a struggle, I am embracing my journey with it.
This back-and-forth pull to create this line or not woke up my younger self. I felt what she had felt then: feeling vulnerable, ashamed, indifferent, powerless, ignored and hurt. As a child, I was never taught to value myself. I have always had creative, entrepreneurial ideas but was not encouraged to explore them.
Through this process, I have learned that I have been on a path of doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. I am finally on my journey of doing what I want to do and what I am passionate about. At times it feels so uncomfortable, I want to crawl out of my skin. I am learning to stay with the uncomfortable feelings, because they don't last. I have learned that I will never be in a “destination” when it comes to who I am. The jewelry is found in the journey. I collect as I go, putting new experiences and awakenings into my treasure chest each and every day.
Understanding that I, alone, decide my worth has been a pivotal point in my life. This was not a destination I had. It unfolded during my journey to understanding, me. For me, evolving is not only essential, it is inevitable. At times it is painful and I will never again allow it to be a source of shame. Learning and unlearning is not shameful; it is powerful.
Learning to embrace Mi Journey has been something I was resistant to. I now understand the power it holds. It has allowed me to understand that this is my journey, no one else’s. I will make mistakes on my journey to create dope ass t-shirts in more sizes. And I will not stop. I want to illuminate youth mentorship programs that teach them to value themselves. I would like their journey to start out different from mine.
I shared part of my journey, I look forward to learning about yours. We can encourage and empower each other in so many ways. Sharing our stories can be one of the most powerful ways to do so.